Impressionable Ones

People often tell me that my face is very expressive.  Meaning that what I'm thinking is pretty much always in plain view for the world to see.The funny part of this is that people tell me that I'm expressive, but I don't even realize I do it.  But recently it was brought to my attention in a very public way.  I like to show off pictures of my kiddos, and my youngest, who is 3, has been going through this phase where she does the most dramatic poses when you take her picture.  And I could NOT figure out where she was getting this from.  I was talking about that one day and showing one of her facial poses in a picture to some customers that were in town for a visit.  Thirty minutes later while I was talking and then waiting for a response, half the room burst into laughter.  I was making THE face that I was just complaining about the little one making, and I had no idea!  It was halfway mortifying and halfway funny.  But it really made me think about how impressionable young ones are.  They pick up on so much that we do and say and we really have no idea how much they are truly absorbing.   Until it's called to your attention that those dramatic facial expressions and snarky sayings that you thought were coming from nowhere, are actually a byproduct of them watching you.  Needless to say, I've been trying to watch myself more carefully when they are in my presence, but wow is it hard.  And then I wonder to myself, where did I learn these things?  From my parents?  No.  I'm a complete opposite of both of my parents in so many ways.  From my friends growing up?  Maybe, though I don't recall anyone being particularly dramatic or snarky in my circle of friends (aside from myself apparently).

So, now I'm more aware of the faces I make, and how they come across.  And, a few months ago, I would have worked to hide it, to change it because I don't want to be labeled as...well, whatever label the person witnessing it feels like slapping on me.  I can see wanting to be more careful around my kiddos.  But, aside from that, I say screw it.  I'm not changing it.  I'll continue to make my faces, throw my snark around, and when those around me offer criticism or sigh disapprovingly because of it, my response will be this:  This is me. Take it or leave it.

2014 in color

So, I've been a big fan of reading blogs for awhile now, but never attempted it myself.  I guess I figured I didn't have anything to say that anyone else would care about.  And maybe that's true.  But, at the very least, this is a place I can get things out there.  You know, the things that you don't necessarily want to actually say out loud to anyone.  But things that need or should be said, nonetheless.

I am what most people would call..."moody".  Other words I've heard my entire life are: quiet, shy, introvert, nice, sweet, cute.  All of these words equal to one thing in my mind.  BORING.  And what's funny is that if any of these people (and trust me I'm talking about people that are close to me) actually knew what was going on inside my mind those are NOT the words they'd be using to describe me.  I'm crazy.  Like, legit, diagnosed, cray-cray.  I hide it pretty well, though.  And when I do that, which is most of the time, I get labeled as quiet. Because, let's face it, being crazy isn't exactly something one just wants to advertise to the world. 

I decided when 2014 kicked off, that it was time to change some things.  Stop pretending to be something I'm not.  Stop looking at the world in black and white terms.  Stop striving to achieve a standard of perfection that rationally I know is impossible.  It's time to start living in the world as me.  Crazy, irrational, put it all out there, living in color, ME.  Sounds easy.  Except it's not.  It's scary as hell.  When one of your biggest fears is other people's perceptions of you, letting down the walls and sharing yourself, your REAL self with the world, is hard.  Huge.  Massive.  But, it's time.  I'm 38 years old.  Married, 2 kiddos, house, solid job, friends.  And living a lie in so many ways.  I don't want to spend another year trying to blow smoke at people and hope they see me as I'm trying to appear.  I want this year to be the year that my friends, my family meet the real me.  It's time to find out if the friends that I think I have can handle that person.  If they can still love that person.  If they can accept that person.  Because she's arriving...and it'll be with a bang!  And just knowing that I've chosen this direction has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.  Life is hard enough without adding the burdens of pretending to be something different than you really are.  And it's time.  It's time to live 2014 in all it's glorious color.